y did u give ur computer a hand job?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
