I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
