so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
