Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Floor bacon is actually really good
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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