oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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