You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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