Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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