I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
