did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
