she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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