I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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