I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
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Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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