I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
