I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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