i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
