i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
