I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
