I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
