My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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