o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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