How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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