I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
