That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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