He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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