time to smoke my breakfast
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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