This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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