don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
