He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
