my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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