our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dignity is for republicans.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
