member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
