Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
