Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
