Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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