Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
