All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
