im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize