Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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