I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
