I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Welp...herpes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
