he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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