the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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