It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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