The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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