New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
