): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
