So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize