I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
