why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
dude. I can hear the air.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
