mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
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Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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