he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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