I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
