i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
