What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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