are you still at the devil's house?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
